Philosophy
by SisterTenenbaum
Summary: “It tells him a lot that she assumes his great heartbreak was Peyton, not Lindsay… not her.”
1. but it goes on and on

Title: Philosophy

Rating: PG-13

Summary: "It tells him a lot that she assumes his great heartbreak was Peyton, not Lindsay… not her."

Author's Note: What? I still like One Tree Hill? How did that happen? Anyway, here's a new story that takes off when Lucas asks Brooke to stay. If you're a BLer, you know when I mean. Expect this story to be more based upon dialogue than action. If you've read my work before, you know that already, though. Chapter fic. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to OTH or Brand New, to whom the lyrics belong.

* * *

_this story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear..._

He decides it's not because of the baby about thirty minutes in. He's always loved kids, and this dark eyed little doll is no exception, but it's something else.

It's something about the way she keeps tucking her hair behind her ear when she bends over her designs that makes him ask her to say. He remembers her telling him once that he had so much grace in the moment that he forgave her for breaking his trust. That's how he feels now. He feels like he can forgive her again, for things that he didn't even know he'd been holding onto; for things that she probably never even thinks about. He can forgive her for giving up on them back in high school, and for not calling him, and for forgetting his birthday four out of the five last years. He can even forgive her for pushing him towards Peyton when Peyton was the last thing he wanted.

He can let go of all those things now, just because she's here. He's glad, so he tells her so.

"Me too," she says, not looking up. Then she pauses, and sets down her drawings.

"You know, even though I've been back for awhile now... there's something different about being here right now. It's like... before, I wasn't really here, you know? Like even though I came back, I never really _came back_."

"I know what you mean," says Lucas, and he does. The difference between living and existing is a familiar one for him.

"I thought you would," she smiles at him.

"Brooke, can I ask you a question?" he says after a moment.

"Sure," she yawns, stretching her hands above her head.

"How do you tell the difference between something that actually exists and something that you think exists only because you want it so much?"

"Wow, that's a pretty philosophical question for such a late hour," she says with a smirk. He thinks she looks uncomfortable.

"That's a pretty big word for Brooke Davis," he jabs lightly.

She chuckles, looking relieved at his lighthearted speech.

"I don't know if I love Lindsay," he blurts out, and then quickly looks down at the baby sleeping in his arms. He brushes a thin lock of dark hair off her forehead.

"Um… wow, Luke," she says, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't quite know what to say. I mean, I think that's something that only you can really know, so…"

"But how do I know?" he persists. "That's what I need you to tell me. How can I know if I really love her or if I just want somebody?"

"I don't know if I'm really the best person to ask," she says after a long moment.

"You're always so sure of yourself, Brooke," says Lucas. He thinks he may be pushing too hard, but he can't stop himself. "You are who you are, right? No apologies? I want to know how you do that. I want to know how you can be so sure of who you are and who you love."

"I'm not," she says, staring down at her hands. "I mean, usually, I'm just as clueless as you. I think the difference between us is that I don't question myself the way you do. I get a feeling, and I just go with it. I don't hold myself back. I don't ask myself if it's the right thing to do; I just do it."

"That's what I love about you," Lucas muses a second later. "And that's also why I'm jealous of you. I wish I was more like that."

"Why?" she asks dryly, leaning back from her place on the floor to stare at the ceiling. "Where has it gotten me? Every relationship I've ever had has ended poorly and not on my terms. You're the one who should be giving me advice. You're always so in control of everything in your life. You've never gotten your heart broken."

"I did once," he says softly.

"God, I'm sorry, Luke," she says quickly, sitting up to look at him. "That was really insensitive of me. I remember how crushed you were when Peyton turned down your proposal."

He looks back into her eyes for a moment before mumbling a short response she seems to understand as affirmative. It tells him a lot that she assumes his great heartbreak was Peyton, not Lindsay… not her.

"I don't know," she says after a moment. "I don't think I have things figured out anymore than you do."

"You're incredibly successful, Brooke, and everyone loves you…"

"And I'm also incredibly alone, and no one is in love with me."

They are both silent.

"I guess we're kind of in the same boat after all," says Lucas finally.

"So maybe it doesn't really matter whether you wear your heart on your sleeve or keep it locked up in a box, because it all ends just the same" she says, smiling a bit sardonically at him. "And on that depressing note, I'm just going to assume you've had enough of my advice and take this little one home."

"No, stay," he repeats himself, almost too quickly.

She looks a bit taken aback.

"I just… I need a friend right now," says Lucas, choosing his words carefully. "And I think you do too."

She bites her lip and nods slowly.

"So stay," he says again, patting the seat beside him on the couch. Angie doesn't stir as he shifts positions to let Brooke curl up against him.

She's silent as she cuddles up next to him, and lets him ease the three of them into a horizontal position.

"I'm happy, Luke," she whispers later, just as he is about to doze off. "And so are you, I think. We just forget it sometimes."

He nods against her head.

But when her breathing gets deeper, and she relaxes fully against his chest, he's still wide-awake.


	2. so this is odd

Title: Philosophy

Rating: PG-13

Summary: "It tells him a lot that she assumes his great heartbreak was Peyton, not Lindsay… not her."

Author's Note: Okay, here it is. This story is not going to be exactly chronological, but it will follow the time line of the show up through the finale. Then, I will feel free to take it from there.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to OTH or Dashboard Confessional (I know), to whom the lyrics belong.

* * *

_so this is odd._

He makes them breakfast the next morning, even though she says it's unnecessary.

Over eggs and bacon, they chitchat a bit about the weather and Jamie.

When she stands to leave, he feels a little desperate. An entire day of staring at his computer screen blankly stretches before him, and the prospect is not pleasant.

"What are you doing today?" he asks, reaching out as if to grab her hand.

She smirks and cocks an eyebrow at him.

"Well, Lucas Scott, is that an invitation to go to the beach?"

"Yeah," he breathes, glad she's making it easy on him. "Yeah, it is."

* * *

Later, lying on the sand next to her while she and Angie both doze under an umbrella, he feels good. For the first time since Lindsay had walked out of his life, he feels really, really good.

"Are you awake, Brooke?" he whispers after a moment.

"Mmmm..." she mumbles in response, shifting slightly.

"I'm going to take that as a 'no'," he replies with a smile. He rolls onto his side, looking at her. He's in a chatty mood.

"Hey, Brooke?" he begins, and she scrunches up her nose in response.

"Yeah?" she asks with a raspy voice, not bothering to open her eyes.

"Remember in high school, when you always used to come over and take naps in my room after cheerleading practice?"

She nods.

"Remember how you would always sleep so soundly that I could hardly wake you up when it was time for dinner? And then, when you would finally respond to me, you'd be in such a bad mood that I would get scared and let you fall back asleep, and then we'd have to start the whole thing over."

She laughs a little, opening her eyes to squint at him.

"Yes, I was quite the girlfriend," she replies lightheartedly. "No wonder things didn't work out between us."

He tenses a little at these words, but Brooke doesn't notice.

"I mean, I think I may have even thrown a shoe at you once," Brooke continues. "Not even the son of Dan Scott could survive that kind of dysfunction for long."

"That wasn't why we broke up." He doesn't know why he says it, but he does. Their breakup is still not something he can joke about. He doesn't know if it ever will be.

"Wow, I'm sorry, Mr. Serious," says Brooke, still mocking. "I didn't realize it was still a sore subject."

She laughs after this, as if it's ridiculous that he could still be harboring bad feelings after all these years.

"Well, it is," he says, sounding petulant in the way that only he can.

"Fine," says Brooke after a moment. She still isn't quite serious, but she's no longer laughing. She sounds more careful, more calculating now. "Let's hash it out, Luke, once and for all. We dated in high school, you were in love with my best friend, and I broke up with you so you could be together, end of story. That's what happened, and evidently, it was for the best because you two are still mooning over each other five years later."

"Okay, first of all," says Lucas, his voice getting a bit high pitched. "I am not mooning over Peyton. I'm just not. Secondly, you said back then that our breakup had nothing to do with Peyton. You said it was about me, and how you didn't miss me. So which is it, Brooke?"

"Oh, come on," she says, still keeping her cool. "As if you actually believed me that it wasn't about Peyton. It's always been about Peyton with us. You must understand now why I did it."

"I don't," he says, honestly. "I have no earthly clue. Peyton was not in the picture for me when we broke up."

"But you were in the picture for her, Luke," Brooke sounds a bit exasperated. "I mean, what else could I have done? Peyton was in love with you, you were always running off to her, what was I supposed to think? I couldn't deny her a chance at happiness, even though I hated her for it at the time. She's my best friend."

"Peyton wasn't in love with me, though," argues Lucas. "She didn't know her feelings for me until weeks after you and I broke up. She even tried to help me get back together with you."

"Trust me, she was in love with you," says Brooke, finally sounding a bit dark. "Just because you didn't know doesn't mean she didn't, or that I didn't. She made her feelings towards you perfectly clear to me."

"She told you she loved me," asks Lucas after a beat. "You mean after you and I broke up?"

"No, I mean before you and I broke up," Brooke clarifies. "You know, at the party for Nathan and Haley? Wow, I can't believe Peyton never mentioned it. I would have thought that you probably typed up the anecdote and stuck it in your 'we're in love' scrapbook under the heading of 'how we got the other girl out of the way'."

Lucas is silent as he stares upwards. The umbrella blocks his view of the sky.

"I'm sorry, Luke," says Brooke after a moment, her tone forced and friendly. "I totally just went bitter ex on you over something that happened years ago, and in high school to boot. Whatever happened then, it doesn't matter now. We're grownups, right?"

Lucas swallows, not sure how to respond.

"Right." Luckily, she responds for him. She's always been good at that. "Okay, Angie's still sleeping like a log so... let's go swimming!"

She leaps up as if she hadn't been sound asleep only ten minutes before and touches his shoulder lightly, looking into his face.

"Don't go all broody on me," she teases. "I really didn't mean it, so let's have fun. Race you to the water!"

He gets up a moment after her and begins to jog after her, his thoughts swirling. Maybe this little bit of information seems inconsequential to Brooke, but it means everything to him. It's the answer to the question that has been floating in the back of his mind for five years.

He finds himself distracted by the vigorous water fight Brooke initiates when he reaches the ocean. He thinks that was probably the goal. Perhaps she realizes somehow what she has just told him means to him. More important to her, he's guessing, is what it could potentially mean for Peyton.

Later, on the ride back to Brooke's house, Lucas reaches over and grabs her hand. She looks at him, smiling but surprised.

"I'm sorry, Brooke" he says.

"For what?" she asks, looking a bit bewildered.

"Just for everything," he says, looking towards the road. "I was making so many mistakes back then... I just did everything all wrong, and I'm sorry."

"Oh, Luke, we all did," says Brooke, squeezing his hand. "Don't beat yourself up over silly mistakes you made when you were sixteen. We all made them."

"We were eighteen," replies Lucas, his voice a little harder. "We were all adults and it wasn't silly. At least, not to me."

She's silent for a while, staring at the highway in front of them.

He doesn't think she's going to respond, so it surprises him when she does.

"Me neither." She lets go of his hand.


	3. but we're still young

Title: Philosophy

Rating: PG-13

Summary: "It tells him a lot that she assumes his great heartbreak was Peyton, not Lindsay… not her."

Author's Note: Here's another chapter. It's a little bit short, but I felt it was right. By the way, do I have some secret reputation as this horrible updater that I don't know about? Everyone seems so surprised that I've been updating. You take three months to post the last chapter of _one _story and then suddenly you're a bad guy.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to OTH or The Starting Line (double I know), to whom the lyrics belong.

* * *

_we got older, but we're still young._

She says not to come, but how can he not? Does she really expect him to sit at home when all he can think about is the way her face is going to look as she watches Angie get carried away?

So he's there, and he's ready when she turns around looking like her dog just got run over.

"You got my message," she says with turned down lips.

He opens his arms then, and lets her cry into his blue shirt. "I know," he murmurs into her hair. "It's hard to let go."

"It's so hard," she sniffles in agreement, nodding against his chest. She pulls back and looks at him with watery eyes.

"I thought about kidnapping her. I really did."

He can help but chuckle a little as he pulls her back into his chest, holding her head as she cries.

"Maybe we should get out here?" he suggests after a few moments.

"But I was having such a good time breaking down emotionally in the middle of a busy airport," says Brooke, allowing him to lead her toward the doors.

"Let me give you a ride," he says. "Where do you need to go?"

"Home. I need to wallow," she declares.

"Nathan's and Haley's it is," he replies, ignoring her groan. "You do not need to wallow, Brooke. You did something great for that little girl."

"I know," she agrees after a moment. "And I know I'm acting like a baby. I guess... I guess I just wanted to do something great for me, too, and right now, I don't feel great."

"But you will," he says as they exit the airport and head for the car. "You've lost sight of what it was all for, that's all."

* * *

Brooke perks up a bit once Jamie is settled firmly in her lap with his favorite book.

Lucas and Haley stand on, watching.

"She's come a long way, don't you think?" Lucas says after a moment.

"She has," Haley agrees, looking at Lucas a bit curiously before taking a big breath.

"What?" asks Lucas, turning his head immediately to look at her.

"What?" she asks, feigning innocence.

"I know that sigh. What?"

"Fine," she says, not bothering to pretend. "We need to talk about Peyton."

Lucas chuckles a bit, sardonically. "Trust me, Haley, I have nothing to say about her right now that you would want to hear."

"How do you know what I want to hear?" she shoots back.

"I just do. You want to hear the same thing that everyone else does. You want me to say that I'm still in love with her and that she's the one and that we'll be together forever. I know that's what everyone wants; you, Peyton, Nathan, even Brooke..."

"I noticed she's been coming up an awful lot lately," Haley interjects, her voice low. "What are you doing, Lucas?"

"What do you mean?" His voice is equally quiet. The last thing he needs right now is for Brooke to hear the insanities Haley is undoubtedly about to throw his way.

"I just... I just worry, Luke," says Haley. "I worry about both of you."

"You worry too much," he says, nudging her shoulder playfully.

"I know I do," she agrees. "But still... I just… Look, Lucas, if you're trying to get at Peyton by hanging around with Brooke all the time, I think you should know that…"

"Haley, my relationship with Brooke has nothing to do with my relationship with Peyton," he says, turning to look at her seriously. "I would have hoped that you know me better than to think that I would use Brooke to make Peyton angry."

"I don't think you would do that purposefully," Haley says carefully, glancing across the hallway to make sure Brooke and Jamie are still occupied. "It's just that your relationship with Brooke has always had something to do with Peyton, no matter how you choose to remember things now. I don't want to see any of my friends hurt again."

"Haley, believe when I say you have nothing to worry about. We're all adults now, and if Brooke and I want to be friends, we can."

"But Peyton..."

"Haley, trust me. I know I haven't had too much nice to say about Peyton lately, but there's no way that she would have a problem with Brooke's and my friendship. You and Nathan aren't the only ones who have grown up a lot over the last four years. We all have, Peyton and Brooke included."

"Okay, fine," says Haley after a long moment. "You're probably right."

Lucas smiles and pulls her in for a quick hug.

"Jamie and I made brownies this morning," she says as they part.

Lucas smiles even wider. "Lead the way."

"Sure thing," she says, turning to walk towards the kitchen. "But you still need to apologize to Peyton for telling her you hate her," she throws over her shoulder.

Lucas groans as he follows.


	4. for the first time in years

Title: Philosophy

Rating: PG-13

Summary: "It tells him a lot that she assumes his great heartbreak was Peyton, not Lindsay… not her."

Author's Note: Wow, wow, wow, look at me go! I guess I've been inspired.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to OTH or Death Cab For Cutie, to whom the lyrics belong.

* * *

_This is fact, not fiction_

_For the first time in years_

On the elevator up to Peyton's studio, Lucas steels himself for a fight. The fact that their relationship has come to this is surprising to everyone, he knows, but especially to him. He can still close his eyes and remember the feeling in his stomach right before he proposed to her. No matter what his feelings now, he felt differently at one point.

As the elevator doors open and he sees her, a different sort of knot forms in his abdomen. He's angry, and not just about Brooke's recent revelation. He's still angry about Lindsay, and about all of the time Peyton has spent stringing him along. She broke his heart when she rejected his proposal, he can admit that now. What's getting at him now, however, is the way that she hurt his pride.

"So I guess I'm here to apologize," he says, taking his time walking over to her.

"You guess?" she asks, looking at him with narrowed eyes. He can tell she's not going to make this easy on him, and it makes him even angrier. He was wrong, but so was she.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Peyton," he says. "It's been hard. It's been really hard for me to see you around here. You've really hurt me."

"You know, Lucas, I think about that day you proposed to me all the time," she says. "And if I could go back..."

"But you can't," he cuts her off. "And that day is only part of what makes it hard for me to talk to you right now."

She just looks at him.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" he asks. He's a little afraid to hear the answer, so he looks at his hands as he speaks.

"Luke, what are you talking about?" she asks, sounding genuinely confused.

"I talked to Brooke," he says. _There_.

"Oh," she replies, and the fact that she knows what he's talking about says it all.

They're both silent for a long moment. When Lucas speaks, he's horrified to find his voice is slightly cracked.

"Things shouldn't have happened like this, Peyton," he says, finally looking up at her. "And I don't hate you. I loved you, and maybe I still do in some ways."

She looks up at him, watery eyes a bit hopeful. A little part of him is carried back just then to a time where his main goal in life was to be her hope, and he feels guilty. He can't keep being that forever, though, so he presses on.

"But I can't help but feel," he says carefully, his voice still wavering, "that these last four years have been a lie."

"I understand that you're probably angry with me, Lucas," she begins. "I know that I should have told you why Brooke and I fought that last time. I guess I just... I was just happy with you, for the first time in so long, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was still so insecure. I thought that if I told you, you would leave me."

"I think I would have," he says honestly, with little hesitation.

She looks a bit stunned.

"I was in love with her, Peyton, and it shouldn't have been up to you. I won't apologize for being honest with you for the first time in years. I can't keep sacrificing myself to make you happy," his voice rises a little with emotion. "She was your best friend, and I trusted you. I defended you to her. You even tried to help me get her back. What was that about? Was that some kind of ploy or something? Pretend to be my friend to make up for the fact that you're the one who screwed me over in the first place?"

"How can you possibly think that?" she asks, her tears spilling over. "I loved you, Lucas. That's all I told Brooke, and that's all I ever did. I wanted you to be happy."

"I was happy, Peyton! I was happy without you, and you should have let me be!"

"Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe it wasn't all about you? Don't you remember what happened last time I hid my feelings from Brooke? She's my best friend, Luke, and I wanted to be honest. Obviously, yes, it didn't turn out the way I thought and it caused a lot of problems for us, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Anyway, you didn't exactly discourage me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Be real, Luke. Do you think I would have actually risked my friendship with Brooke if I didn't think you and I would probably end up together? We're right for each other. Everyone knew it back then just like everyone knows it now. Even Brooke knew it, and that's why she stepped aside!"

"No, Peyton, Brooke stepped aside because you left her no other choice!" He doesn't even know where these words are coming from, but they feel cathartic. They feel true. "Brooke was a good friend to you, a much better friend that you've been to her, and she did something to make you happy even though it wasn't what she wanted. I guess I can just chalk it up to another relationship I've had that's been destroyed by your bullshit. I mean, do you even care for Brooke at all? Or me, for that matter?"

"I've already admitted that I shouldn't have handled the situation the way that I did," Peyton says after a long minute, and her voice is cold. "But I won't stand here and listen to you place all the blame for something that happened four years ago on me. I won't let you trivialize my friendship with Brooke. I've made mistakes in my relationship with Brooke, but I've owned up to them and we've come out stronger in the end. Can you say the same?"

He looks at her, and swallows.

"I'd like it if you'd go now," she says, turning and walking towards her office.

He silently obeys and heads for the door.

"And by the way?" she calls over her shoulder, and he turns around. "I think we're finally on the same page. We're done."

* * *

So now Lucas sits on his porch, and he thinks. Hearing Peyton tell him that they were done hasn't had a great effect on him; he's heard that before. He'll believe it when she stops sabotaging all of his other relationships.

He looks down at the cell phone in his hand, contemplating calling Brooke. He has nothing to say, though, so he doesn't.

Instead, he lies down on his back and looks at the sky. No comets tonight. He's really starting to hate symbolism, which is probably a bit dangerous for an author.

His phone rings, and he answers it without looking at the caller id. He knows who it is.

"What are you doing?" She doesn't bother saying 'hi'. He likes that. It makes him feel closer to her when she skips formalities, and he's been feeling so alone lately.

"Just thinking," he answers, his eyes settling on the brightest star in the sky.

"What about?" she asks.

"Being alone," he answers, surprising himself a little with his bluntness. "And comets."

"Ah, the old comet," she replies. "Any interesting developments on the astronomy front?"

"Well, she finally admitted we were done," he replies.

"I know," she admits, sounding a bit bashful. He pictures her picking at her fingernails as she says this. "I heard."

"What else did you hear, Brooke?" he asks, holding the phone a little closer.

"She just told me you two argued," she replies.

"Oh," he breathes.

"About me," she continues.

"Oh."

"What's going on, Luke?" she wants to know. "Why are you so keen on dredging up the past? It's settled."

"It's wasn't, though," he says, his voice pleading with her to understand, "and it couldn't be until I confronted her; not for me, at least. I've let Peyton call the shots in my life for too long."

"I agree," she says evenly, "but I still don't like how you handled it."

He can sense that they're not going to come to an agreement on this one. Peyton has always been the one issue they couldn't settle, and the irony of his current situation is not lost on him. He figures he finally understands how Brooke must have felt all of those times that she and Peyton had tangled and he had defended Peyton.

"Time is always playing tricks on us, huh?" he asks after a moment.

"Whoa, writer boy, you're getting a little too philosophical for me," she replies, trying to keep her tone lighthearted. He wishes she would stop doing that so much. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know," he admits. "I hardly ever know what I'm saying anymore. It's like I talk just to talk, and I write just to write, and none of it means anything."

She's silent.

"The comet doesn't mean anything, Brooke," he says earnestly. "It's just a story."

"It's your story, Luke. Your art matters, right?"

He sighs. His words are always coming back to haunt him lately.


	5. looking for a ghost

Title: Philosophy

Rating: PG-13

Summary: "It tells him a lot that she assumes his great heartbreak was Peyton, not Lindsay… not her."

Author's Note: Um… does anyone still care? I won't try to defend myself beyond saying that I haven't been watching this season for obvious reasons, and I've been busy with school. I would like to say, however, that I have the rest of this story written so I can promise that updates will not be so ridiculously spaced in the future. Also, I love this chapter. I really have been working on this off and on for four months, and I feel like I've been true to what I perceive the struggle of Peyton and Brooke to be.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to OTH or Jenny Lewis, to whom the lyrics belong. I also quote actual dialogue from OTH in this chapter, which I did not write. Also, I forget to say in the first chapter that I borrowed a line, not directly, but close enough, from The Office.

_this is no great illusion_

_when i'm with you, i'm looking for a ghost  
_

Brooke freezes, mid-bite, when she hears the door open. It's been four days since the Peyton/Lucas blowout and she's used them well. She's got avoiding her curly headed roommate down to an art form, and she's not about to give up now.

Hastily closing the box of Corn Flakes on which she's been snacking, she turns and heads towards the stairs.

"Brooke?"

Whoops. So close.

"Oh," she says, plastering on a smile before turning around. "Hey, Peyt."

"Hey," Peyton replies, walking over to the island and tossing her bag onto the counter. She reaches over and slides the cereal box toward her, opening it and stuffing a handful into her mouth.

"So..." says Brooke, tapping her fingernails on the table with a bit of thinly-veiled anxiety. "How are you?"

"Good," says Peyton after a moment. "How about you?"

"I'm doing good, too," Brooke replies. She reaches over to grab the cereal box, not noticing that Peyton has gone for it at the exact same moment.

They stand there, each with a hand firmly grasping the box. Brooke makes a slight move to pull it towards her, expecting the other girl to relinquish her grip. Peyton appears to have had the same thought as she also tugs.

Brooke takes a deep breath. "Um... I was actually eating that, so..."

"The box was closed when I got here," Peyton replies in a matter of fact manner that makes Brooke want to punch her in the head.

"I was just taking a break," Brooke explains through gritted teeth. "That doesn't mean I didn't still want it."

Peyton just looks at her.

"Give me the cereal, Peyton," says Brooke calmly.

"No," replies Peyton, looking a bit surprised at herself. Brooke does not share Peyton's feeling. Selfish bitchiness coming from Peyton has long since failed to surprise her.

"I had it first," Brooke argues, still pulling at the box with barely restrained ferocity.

"But it's my favorite and I'm starving," Peyton shoots back, tugging with equal force.

"Well, I love it, too!" Brooke protests. "You can't just have whatever you want, Peyton. That's not how the world works. I had to work hard to buy this cereal!"

"Oh my god, Brooke, what does it cost? Like three dollars? I'll pay you back, okay? I'll buy you another box." Peyton is clearly not giving up.

"I want this box!" says Brooke. "This is mine, and I want it." She is humiliated to realize that tears have sprung to her eyes.

Peyton lets go suddenly, causing Brooke to stumble back from the counter.

"What is going on with you?" Peyton asks suddenly, the expression on her face unreadable. Brooke isn't sure if Peyton is angry or sad, but it doesn't really matter anymore. "You avoid me like the plague all weekend and now that we finally talk, you start crying over a stupid fight about cereal."

"Maybe I'm just sick of you trying to take everything that I want," Brooke mumbles, wiping her eyes with her fingers.

"What?" asks Peyton. Brooke knows she heard her, but she plays along anyway.

"Maybe I'm just emotional right now," Brooke says more audibly. "I've got to go now, Peyton. I'll just... I'll talk to you later, okay?"

She's almost made it to the stairs before Peyton once again stops her in her tracks.

"When are you going to be able to forgive me, Brooke?" Peyton asks, her voice tinged with frustration and a little bit of grief.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Brooke replies, her back to Peyton.

"I can't help who I love," continues Peyton. "I couldn't then, and I can't now, and I'm sorry for hurting you, but I won't apologize for feeling the way that I do."

"I thought you two were over," Brooke says, sounding blatantly accusatory. She hates the fact that she cares, and that she's making so obvious, but she can't seem to help herself.

"Why are we always going in circles?" Peyton asks, ignoring Brooke's question. "Is there any way for you to let this go?"

Brooke sobs low in her throat, a sound that comes out like a raspy choke. She shakes her head, slowly, turning around to face Peyton.

"For a long time," she begins thickly, and then clears her throat. She needs this to come out right. She needs Peyton to hear her, to really hear her, for once. "For a long time, I thought I could. I thought I had. But now, I don't know. It's hard for me to be around you right now, Peyton."

Peyton swallows and nods hard, tears springing to her eyes.

"And I don't know if it's going to get easier… so I think maybe we need some time apart," Brooke continues, looking down at the ground.

"Okay," says Peyton after a long moment, and the vulnerability in her voice cuts Brooke to the core. She struggles to shake the urge to smile and take it all back. Twenty-two years worth of protection and sacrifice are screaming at her that this is wrong. Hurting Peyton is just not what she does. "If that's what you want."

"It isn't what I want," says Brooke, tears silently streaming down her cheeks. "I don't know what I want. Being your friend, caring for your happiness, it's so natural for me. But you know what else it is? It's painful, Peyton. It hurts me to care so much and get so little in return."

Peyton lets out a little sob, and takes a step towards her.

"But hurting you isn't any better," Brooke continues, wiping her fists over her eyes. "It's like it doesn't matter what I do, or how I treat you, because in the end, it all hurts just the same."

There is a long silence then, as two women who still feel so much like girls stare at the ground.

Peyton is the first to act, crossing the distance between them and pulling Brooke into her arms. Brooke reacts quickly, mostly out of instinct, and hugs Peyton back.

"I love you," Peyton whispers fiercely into Brooke's ear, holding her tightly. "No matter what happened then, or what happens now, I love you."

"I love you, too," Brooke whimpers. "How could I not? You're my Peyton."

Finally, Peyton releases her.

"I'm going to go get my stuff now," she says, her voice thick as she struggles for clarity. "And I'm going to go away for awhile."

Brooke just nods, ignoring the impulse to beg the other girl to stay. She can't be that for Peyton anymore. She just can't.

"I love you, but we're stuck in the horrible cycle," Peyton continues, her voice breaking, "and I have no idea how to stop it."

Brooke nods again.

"So I'll see you again," Peyton says carefully, leaning her forehead against Brooke's. "But I'm not sure when."

"Okay," Brooke whispers.

"Okay," Peyton replies, stepping away from Brooke and staring at her. "Okay," she repeats, before turning and walking up the stairs.

And maybe it's not goodbye for good, but it sure feels like it. Brooke leans against the counter and puts her head in her hands.


End file.
